Apr 30, 2009

Joke: Sumbich

An extremely rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a great time. He was drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ, and flirting with all the married women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Leroy was screaming, the gator was hissing, and both were raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
His host said, 'Man, you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options in my company?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
Have a Great Day!

Joke: Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the fuckin' skippin'

Joke: Stuttering

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy, I...w...a...s....a...l...m...o...s..t......m...a...r...r...i...e..d"

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!"
The reply comes, "Y..e..s,...I....w..e..n..t.....t..o...a.....d..o..c..t.o..r..... .a.n..d...he...... t..o..l..d.....me ....t..h..a..t.....i..f...I....s..p..e...a..k.....s..l..o ..w.l..y .....I....w..o..u..l..d...... n..o..t....s..t..u...t..t..e..r."

The friend congratulates him and then asks about how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l,.....m..y.....f..i..a..n..c..e..e....a..n..d......I....w..e... r..e.....s..i.t..t..i..n..g.... on.....h..e..r....... p..o..r..c..h... a.n.d...t..h..e. ..d..o..g ...w..a..s ...
.....s..c..r..a..t..c..h... i...n ..g...... h...i..s....b..a..c..k....s.o.....I.... ..t..o..l..d....h.e..r...t..h..a.t..w..h..e..n.....w..e.....a..r..e.... m..a.. r..r..i..e.d,...s..h..e.. c..a..n......d..o..... t..h..a..t..... f..o..r..... m..e......a..n..d..... t..h..e..n..... s..h..e ....t..h..r..e..w.......t..h..e.....r..i.n..g.....i..n....m..y.....f. ..a..c..e"

Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"
asks the friend.

"W..e..l..l, .....I..... s..p..e..a..k..... s..o.....s..l..o..w.l..y,.....t..h..a..t..... b..y.....t..h..e...... t..i...m...e..... s.h..e.... l..o..o..k..e..d ..... a..t.....t..h..e d..o..g,..... h..e ...w..a..s.......l..i..c..k..i..n..g..... h..i..s.....b..a..l..l..s."

Apr 28, 2009

Video: Math Help

This is hilarious, you may have to listen to it twice. A little boy calls 911 for math help.

video

Apr 16, 2009

Real Life Snakes on a Plane:













MELBOURNE, Australia – Four baby pythons escaped from a container aboard a passenger plane in Australia, leading to a search that forced the cancellation of two flights, the airline said Thursday.
Twelve non-venomous Stimson pythons were being transported Tuesday on a flight from Alice Springs to Melbourne in the plane's cargo area in a bag inside a plastic foam box with air holes.
When the flight landed, it was discovered that four snakes had escaped from the package, a Qantas spokeswoman said in a statement.
A reptile expert searched for the 6-inch (15-centimeter) -long snakes but did not find them. It was not known if the snakes were still on the plane or if they had somehow escaped outside after the plane landed.
In the meantime, the plane missed two flights it had been scheduled to fly and the passengers were transferred to other flights.
When the snakes were not found, the airplane was fumigated and it returned to service on Wednesday.
Stimson's pythons, which can grow up to three feet (one meter) long, live in western and central Australia and are not an endangered species.

Apr 8, 2009

HOW LUCKY CAN YOU GET ???

Can you believe it?
This guy wins 181 million in the lottery on a Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
Talk about luck!