Dec 31, 2008

Joke: Trip to Hawaii

A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed.
She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you. The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking?
Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard, the end of this."
The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

Joke: Don't you just love old people?

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said well I don't live far so I'll just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry all this!'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

Joke: Missing Grampa

A small boy was lost in a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'
'The cop asked the little boy, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'Johnnie Walker Black Label Whiskey and women with big tits.'

Dec 28, 2008

Joke: His Birthday

A man and woman had been married for 10-years. There sex life was good but she refused to do oral sex on him.
Every year for his birthday she would ask what do you want and every year it was the same answer, a blowjob.
So this year she consented.
Just as he was cuming in her mouth the phone rang.
She looked up and with a mouth full of cum and mumbled, 'What should I do?'
Her husband said, 'I don't know I am not a cocksucker, swallow or spit, but answer the phone.'
So she spit the cum on his chest, answered the phone, and handed to him saying, 'It's your mother she called you wish you a happy birthday!'

Joke: 3 Women

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my finance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose, and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Bat Woman, what the hells for dinner?'

True Story, but funny: Modern Aviation

AIRSPACE VIOLATION PROTOCOL

According to a U.S. Marine Corps Pilot:
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type of aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai. It's too good not to pass along.
The conversation went something like this...
Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter.
Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence

Dec 22, 2008

YouTube Video: Girl with 2 Pussies!

This is hilarious, make sure you watch it all the way till the end!
Note - Where can I find this babe?

Joke: 3 Ants

There were three ants. The three of them found a nice woman to spend the night on. The ants decided to split up and find the perfect spot to sleep on. The first ant went inside the woman's ear. The second ant went inside the woman's naval and the third ant went inside the woman's vagina.
The next day the three ants met up with each other and told each other of their experiences.
The first ant said, "All I heard was moaning."
The second ant said, "Hey, I heard the same thing."
The third ant said, "I couldn’t even sleep last night! There was some bald guy spitting all over me!"

Joke: The 13-Year-Old

A man notices his thirteen-year-old son has been walking around for a week with a hard-on in his pants, and figures the boy needs some relief. He gives the kid twenty dollars and says: "Take this to the whorehouse at the other end of town, and have some fun."
Well, the whorehouse is at least a good hour’s walk each way, but the boy returns in only 45 minutes. The father says: "Where were you?"
"Well," says the boy, "when I walked by Grandma's house she asked where I was going and I told her. She said, 'Why don't you just come in here instead, and I'll do you for free.' So that's what I did."
The father, outraged, screams: "Are you telling me you fucked my MOTHER?"
"What's the big deal," says the boy, "You fuck mine!"

Joke: 10 Reason to go to Work Naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. You can now say, "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. An inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And...drum roll please ...
the Number One reason to go to work naked is:
Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your lazy ass in here by 8:00!"

Dec 19, 2008

Video: He Will Pay

This guy is going to be very sorry.
The wrath of a woman can be devastating.


video

Dec 16, 2008

Joke: 65 Things to Do on a Long Airplane Ride

1. Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it
2. Fiddle around with the emergency exit, and then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar
3. Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places
4.Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!"
5. Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed
6. Fly into a rage whenever the word "Gallstone" is mentioned
7. "Accidental" soda spill on the dork next to you.
8. Go up to someone and ask loudly if they wouldn't mind applying Preparation H to your hemorrhoids
9. Tap at the windows, saying, "Looks pretty tough" then ask someone if they have a bat you could use to test.
10. Disco dance in the aisle
11. Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends
12. Give someone a coin, saying, "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't"
13. Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, and then come out, yelling, "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!"
14. Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you
15. Try to lead plane in song "Oh I wish I was an Oscar Myer Weiner"
16. Lead a revolt against the first class passengers
17. Attempt to promote Hinduism among passengers
18. Moon passing Delta planes
19. Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane
20. Start a hot dog stand
21. Steal businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it
22. Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes
23. During the in-flight movie, ask to share headphones with someone
24. When two people kiss in the film, belch real loud
25. When there's any nudity, say "Hey! He/she must be real cold!"
26. Tell the person next to you your life story, from DNA to that afternoon
27. With the person next to you, discuss cannibalism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands
28. Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put superglue in your undies that morning
29. Pick your nose and pat the person next to you
30. No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni
31. Show off your Batman underwear
32. Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only)
33. Switch accents and see if anyone notices
34. During the meal, loudly explain that on time you ate shark fin soup
and proceeded to puke all over the airplane, spewing chunks of shark on the other passengers
35. Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm
36. Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didn't come out, 'cause they aren't really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die
37. Put on a ten-foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head
38. Scratch your butt, and then sniff your finger
39. Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, and then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says "e"
40. Go into the cockpit; ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do they call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world
41. Don't use deodorant, then "accidentally" stick your armpit in someone's face
42. Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it
43. Listen to James Brown on your Walkman; sing along (especially the
"Oooh Oooh" parts)
44. Snort when you laugh
45. Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, and then expect others to do the same 46. Wear a hairpiece and switch it often, seeing if anyone notices
47. Sing that irritating song that starts like this "I lost my car on the rooooooaaddd an' I'm cryin' over yooooouuuu...."
48. Recite all you can of the last Ann Landers column
49. Hum the Monty Python theme song
50. Act like a movie star
51. Scream and dive under your seat for no apparent reason
52. Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!"
53. With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Never mind. Do you have any towels?"
54. Whip out your kazoo and give first class a special entertainment show
55. Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!"
56. Bring a microphone and act like Frank Sinatra
57. Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)
58. Start talking Korean
59. If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off
60. Pretend you're flying the plane
61. With a fellow passenger, Re-enact the disco scene in "Airplane!"
62. Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket; pretend that you belong
to a biker gang
63. Take over the plane with a toy gun
64. Yell to someone "Is it time to hijack the plane yet?" (Note: Do this when there are stewardesses there)
65. To the person next to you, say, "It's amazing that they didn't notice the grenade in my luggage

Joke: Santa and the Full Moon (as told by Blitzen)

We thought we'd eaten too much hay, our reindeer bellies full,
And this was why the magic sleigh seemed very hard to pull.
We blamed it on the moonlit snow, it made our eyes strain hard.
Our eyes played tricks, and that was why he seemed a tub of lard.
These excuses made good sense to us, they seemed sufficient proof,
But they did not explain what happened on that last Indiana roof.
Was it fate, or was it fat that gave us this hard luck?
Never in our wildest dreams did we think that he'd get stuck!
We couldn't fly (who would steer?), or call for help, or disappear,
And it scared us to think of what might transpire...
"In the morning they'll set his fat fanny on fire!"
Who would've thought such a ripe, healthy gut
Would result in the burning of that magnificent butt?
We knew we must devise a plan to somehow free his dimpled can.
We brainstormed, but were truly stumped on how to scoot the mighty rump,
Until little Danny's fishing pole slid onto Dudley's lump of coal.
"We'll fish," said I, "For Santa's suit, and strip him, save his silted boots,
And when he's nude with lots of space, he'll fall into the fireplace!"
We dropped the hook and took firm stance, we caught his coat, and then his pants.
And as I'd thought, the plan worked well, down the chimney Santa fell.
He hurriedly tiptoed toward the tree, but in his haste he did not see
Little Seymour, crouched down low, as he pushed his horn-rims up his nose.
All the songs he'd heard had taught 'im 'bout a little red nose, not a grand pale bottom.
His jaw dropped low and, flabbergasted, he watched as Santa's tremendous mass did
Wobble like jello, to and fro, and brush against some mistletoe.
He bit his lip as Santa jiggled, he tried to stop, but slipped a giggle.
Santa swiftly whirled around, and with a quick and mighty bound,
Was in the chimney, his hand on his nose
(Santa moves quicker when he goes without clothes).
And he smiled at Seymour, and gave him a wink,
Before rising up fast with a laugh and a blink.
And Seymour stood silent until the sun rose,
While thinking of Santa, pale rear and red nose.
Seymour told his family and all of Indiana
That on Christmas Eve, he'd been mooned by Santa!
Can, you boys and girls, imagine what you'd do
If something this nifty happened to you?

Joke: American Native Indian versus White Man

An Indian Chief, named 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.' Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

Dec 12, 2008

Best Smart Ass Answers:

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead'.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR:
A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Statements Made by People to their Inurance Company:

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Dec 11, 2008

A Math Quiz - Are You Up to It?

A Backhoe weighing 8 tons is on top of a flatbed trailer and heading east on Interstate 70 near Hays, Kansas ?
The extended shovel arm is made of hardened refined steel and the approaching overpass is made of commercial-grade concrete, reinforced with 1 1/2 inch steel rebar spaced at 6 inch intervals in a criss-cross pattern layered at 1 foot vertical spacing.
Solve: When the shovel arm hits the overpass, how fast do you have to be going to slice the bridge in half?
(Assume no effect for headwind and no braking by the driver...)
Extra Credit: Solve for the time and distance required for the entire rig to come to a complete stop after hitting the overpass at the speed calculated above.
Yes, you can neglect friction.



ANSWER:
I couldn't solve it either......but who cares; the pictures are great!

Funny Dog

Dec 9, 2008

Special Edition: Joke - The Endless Why's of Men

I got this in an email with a request to post, it's damn funny, so here it is...
P.S. - Ladies will love this one!

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Video: Attention Men - Beware of the Doghouse

Provided by Metacafe Videos - this is hilarious

Beware of the Doghouse- Hilarious! - Celebrity bloopers here