Nov 29, 2008

Joke: New Bird in the House

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff '
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New
house, new madam, new girls.'
The girls and the woman began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi, Keith!'

Joke: Me Hat

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, 'Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?'
Murphy said, 'I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday.
I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat.'
The priest said, 'Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?'
Murphy said, 'Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat.'
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; 'After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right?'
Murphy shook his head and said, 'No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.'

Joke: Job Descriptions in the Real World

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Nov 26, 2008

YouTube Video: Just How Stupid Are Americans?

This is why people should have to a take a civics test before they are allowed to vote.

Nov 22, 2008

Joke: Just Like A Woman!!!!

Does This Sound familiar?

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a bad pile-up on the freeway a few days ago. You're going to be okay; you'll walk again and everything, but.something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your schwantz was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000.00 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new johnson that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000.00 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch wiener before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-inch pink dink before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make t he decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."

Joke: Man versus Woman in the Shower

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups and leg-lifts, i.e. more time at the gym.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
Wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Java cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at
her while making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower ..
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Take a Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time .
Admire wiener size in mirror again .
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on her pillow.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.
Now have a great day!

Oh, and.... Woo woo!!!

Joke: Brass Gong

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the friends asked.
It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friends.
Yup,' replied the drunk.
How's it work?' one friend asked, squinting at it.
Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

Nov 19, 2008

I Believe

I Believe that a Birth Certificate shows that we were born,
A Death Certificate shows that we died,
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.

I Believe...That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...That we don't have to change friends
If we understand that friends change.

I Believe...That no matter how good a friend is,
They're going to hurt you every once in a while
And you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...That true friendship continues to grow,
Even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love..

I Believe...That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.

I Believe...That you should always leave loved ones
With loving words.. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...That we are responsible for what we do,
No matter how we feel.

I Believe...That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...That heroes are the people who do what has to be done
When it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...That sometimes the people you expect
To kick you when you're down,
Will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...That sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...That maturity has more to do
With what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them
And less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...That no matter how bad your heart is broken
The world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...That our background and circumstances
May have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...That you shouldn't be so eager
To find out a secret.
It could change your life Forever.

I Believe...Two people can look at
The exact same thing
And see something totally different.

I Believe...That your life can be changed
In a matter of seconds
By people who don't even know you.

I Believe...That even when you think
You have no more to give,
When a friend cries out to you -
You will find the strength to help.

I Believe...That credentials on the wall
Do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...That the people you care about most
In life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe... that you should send this
To all of the people that you believe in,
I just did.

I Believe...the happiest of people
Don't necessarily have the best of everything; They just make the most of everything.

Joke: The Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.'
The guy, surprised, says ' did you figure that out?'
'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'
One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a good dentist.'
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?'
'Didn't feel a thing!

Joke: Being Respectful

Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural MN on the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by. The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone. The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"
The first hunter nodded and said;
"...Well, we were married for 42 years".

Nov 17, 2008

Special Edition for Today: This Joke was just emailed to me....

Slightly mental, but funny -

Kids are in school one day and their teacher wants them to go around the room and say what their Daddy does for a living!

Little Suzie begins and says, "My Daddy is a police man and he helps keep us safe from all the bad guys in the world."
Very good says the teacher!

Little Tommy says, "My Daddy is a chef and he makes lots of good food for people to eat."
Very good says the teacher!

Little Christopher says, "My Daddy is a mailman and he brings letters for everyone to keep in touch with their loved ones."

And they continue this all around the class, until they get to little Billy who is last,
and what does your Daddy do Billy, says the teacher......

"My Daddy is dead" says Billy.
"Oh I'm very sorry, I did not know!" says the teacher "What did your Daddy do Before he died?"
"He turned blue and shit on the carpet" says Billy!

Images of Weird People and Events - Part 5:

Nov 16, 2008

Joke: The Boob Poem

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.

Joke: Body Parts

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident there are body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratches out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head.
"Head on curb."

Joke: Boobie versus Willies

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases, each like a different type of tree. In his twenties, he is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration!!!"