Feb 20, 2009

This works for me!

Rules for the Non-Military
Make sure you read # 13

Dear Civilians,
'We know that the current state of affairs in Our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the Military.

For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand.

Here are a few of the areas where we would like your Assistance:*

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing hat) during the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.
2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest - kick their ass.
3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great.
Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.
4. (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or jungle fatigues, telling others that you used to be 'Special Forces or Navy Seals, collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been OK when you were seven years old now, it will only make you look stupid and
Get your ass kicked.
5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).
6. If you witness someone calling the *US Coast Guard* 'non-military', Inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass.
7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade,get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.
8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief(CinC). The President (for those who didn't know) is our C in C Regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those important buildings where all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked.
9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop Saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore could kick your ass!
10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying let's go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is!
Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me- if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass!
11. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force* ) 'Jarhead' (*Marines),* 'Grunt'(*Army*), 'Squid' (*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*CoastGuard*), Etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.
12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our Country would get it's ass kicked.'
*'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has give n us the Freedom of the press.'
'It's the Veteran, not the poet,who has given us the freedom of speech.'
'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.'
'It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the Protester to burn the flag.'


13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the National Anthem in Spanish - KICK THEIR ASS.

I posted this because I didn't want to get my ass kicked.

Feb 14, 2009

Special Edition for Saturday: You-Tube Video - Harley Vs. Honda

Joke: Because

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,
"we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

Joke: Where to have sex when you're old

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says , 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7

Joke: What we have learned from the Movies

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

13. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.

15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.)

17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Tires will squeal on any surface, at any speed.

23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

Feb 8, 2009

Joke: Insulting a Biker at the Bar

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.....................
'Grandpa;..... Go home!
You're drunk.' . .

Politically Incorrect Humor

Barrack Hussein Obama is living proof, that no matter how successful a black man is - he still will require government housing.

Joke: Drunk Old Lady

A little old lady goes into a tavern and sits at the bar. The bartender notices that she is VERY drunk but goes over to find out what she needs.
The old lady says, (in a drunken slur) "Tarbender, tarbender, bring me a martuni with a pickle in it."
So he makes a martini, puts an olive in it and hands it to her.
She gulps it down in one swig and says, "Oh heartburn, heartburn, tarbender, tarbender, bring me another martuni with a pickle in it."
So the bartender makes another martini, puts an olive in it and takes it to the old lady.
Again she gulps it down in one swig and slams the glass down on the bar saying, "Heartburn, heartburn, tarbender, tarbender, bring me another martuni with a pickle in it."
Well now the bartender is thinking that this is about enough of her so he says, "Lady, first of all I am not a tarbender, I am a BARTENDER! Second, you are not drinking a martuni with a pickle in it, it is a MARTINI with a OLIVE in it! And third, you don't have heartburn, your tit is in the ashtray!

Feb 1, 2009

Joke: You're in Canada Now

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch in Alberta, and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land. No questions asked or answered given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly terrified and yells for help!

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


Joke: Chocolate Man

A divorcee in her early forties was sitting at a bar one night when she noticed a young, attractive black man just a few stools away. She'd never experienced for herself if
the stories about black men were true, so she took the opportunity to buy the young stud a drink.

One drink led to another, and those led to the couple going back to the divorcee's apartment. Once there, the woman stripped naked, climbed up in her bed, struck a sexy, come-hither look, and whispered,

"OK, you gorgeous piece of chocolate man. Show me what young black men do best."

So he beat her up and stole her stereo.

Joke: The Half Wit

A man owned a small business in Minnesota . The Minnesota State Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the owner, "there's my mechanic who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The counter man has been here for 18 months, and I pay him $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of scotch every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," he replied.