Joke:: Real Classifieds

The following were taken from actual ‘Classified Ads’ in various newspapers:

AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

FREE PUPPIES...
PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE
89 cents

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA
FREE CHOPSTICKS with every order.

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE
BETTER BE A REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL
HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

FREE: FARM KITTENS.
READY TO EAT.

AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED
$100

NOTICE:
TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE:
PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED.
PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.
ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE CONFIRMED DEAD.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS and BOX SPRINGS - $175.

KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 per box

FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.